i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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