Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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