I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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