Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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