I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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