you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
