Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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