i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
