just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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