The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
