my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
