Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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