So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
