Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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