I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
