Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
