and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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