I hate all girls vehemently.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
