Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
