Yo dont text me then not text me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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