she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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