she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
