Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
