Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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