Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
