So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
