so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
