Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
