Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
