o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can't turn off my feet"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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