I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
