highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize