When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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