I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
