Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
