you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
