drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
