if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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