my phone needs a breathalizer
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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