walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
