There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
