even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
