I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
