will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
