i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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