I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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