I just pynch a tree in the face
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
