I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
