Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize