The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
