I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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