I wish I could teleport
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
