so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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