I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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