Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
