I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize