I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
