I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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