Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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