I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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